A Dark Night at the Jones County Fair
I always assumed I'd never be the idiot who drops his cell phone into a porta-potty.
My Favorites
Now and then I'll submit a column I think is nothing special, and someone will tell me later, "That's the best thing you ever wrote!"
Sloths; Faster than the U.S. Post Office
A mail truck arriving at my house 10 days from now will have averaged .009 miles per hour.
Tipping Tips at the Breastaurant
It certainly didn’t hurt that our female server had what I tend to call (in mixed company) “pleasant features.”
Coralville; A Wimpy Name for a Town
We can at least be thankful it doesn't have a whistle-stop name like Lone Tree, Edna, What Cheer, or Pisgah.
Something to Think About in the Men's Room
The average mammal takes approximately 21 seconds to void its bladder.
Iowa Propaganda Elevator Speech
I asked her what she knows about Iowa. She frowned for a few seconds and then asked hopefully, “Potatoes?”
Christmas In Amana - As Good As It Gets
"You need a permit to pass gas in church," said Harvey.
Elevator Buttons - A Betrayal of Faith
The “Close Door” buttons on all U.S. elevators don't actually do anything at all, and haven't for decades.
Flogging; Too Good for Paving Contractors
I understand the recipients of such attitude adjustment seldom reoffend, assuming they survive.
Not a Norman Rockwell Christmas
Things were progressing normally until I noticed smoke billowing out of the kitchen.
Our Appliances are Trying to Kill Us
This is not as paranoid as it sounds. Until about a year ago, they were very well behaved.
Driving Into Pedestrians is Not Cool
My driver’s-side car mirror suddenly exploded a few weeks ago.
Menopause Adds Spice to Life
LuAnn told me later, “I just snapped.”
I May Be Clueless, but Sincere
I have been informed that I owe several people in Kinnick Stadium section 107 an apology.
A Perfect Pregame Saturday
Our tailgaters are friends, relatives, and passers-by who know a good party when they see one.
Remedial Hugging; In Time for the Holidays
It was a bit painful at first, but I have to admit that I have grown to like promiscuous hugging. Maybe too much.
Beer Bands; Your Guide to the Recent Excitement
Once the band enters a bar, God only knows where the cups of beer are ending up.
I Own a 20-Pound Pillow
I’m not a hypochondriac; I’m just abnormally anxious about my health.
The Upside of Forgetfulness
I'm almost 60, and so far have not accidentally left the gas stove burning or put the cat in the refrigerator.
Cuba: Go While the Going is Good
One of our tour guides said he wept when he heard the news of the U.S. negotiating to lift the embargo
Attempting to Avoid a Frivolous Life
I often fret about significant worldwide humanitarian issues that I fully intend to do almost nothing about.
Just an Enthusiastic Social Drinker
Evidently, a whiskey after work and a glass of wine with dinner place me in the refrigerator-box-dwelling underbelly of society.
No Time for Patience
My ‘bucket’ list is growing shorter while my ‘f-it’ (rhymes with bucket) list is rapidly growing longer.
Homicide and Haute Cuisine in Galena
“I’m going back to the restaurant to kill Bridget,” I heard LuAnn say.
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